My inspiration to blog....

Living in a small town, news travelled very quickly that Liam had arrived a tad early. I think some people barely even knew I was pregnant !!! We had amazing support from all around us...from family and friends to complete strangers. People reached out to us in different ways, and I am still eternally grateful to each and everyone of them. Coming home was hard, but having such amazing people to support us, made it bearable. A couple of friends I had made over the years reached out to me...both having been in almost similar situations. It was what I needed....whatever the outcome would be, I needed to have people around me who had been through it .
The hardest part for me, was coming home to a room that was barely a nursery. I had not had a baby shower yet, but we had collected a few items here and there over the past few months. We had no crib, no change table....but it didn't really matter...Liam wasn't coming home anytime soon. We lined his room with toys, and clothes and things that people had brought to the hospital. We had cheerful balloons proclaiming a new baby boy, floating around the house....the cats thought they were toys for them.
I spent  the hours that I should have been resting, pouring over articles online about micro preemies. I searched , and read blogs people had written about their journeys. The statistics on micro preemies...were not promising but the blogs gave me hope, they gave me a reason to believe that Liam would survive....and not just survive , but be ok !!!! The blogs are the reason I am sharing Liam's story with you now.....

Going home.....without Liam

I was admitted to the hospital on a Monday, Liam was born on the Thursday, and I hadn't really put much thought into what would happen when they would tell me I could go home. My body ached to be in my own bed...lets face it, I just really wanted to be able to get in and out of bed without it being an hour ordeal !!! I really thought I was excited to go home until they actually told me I could. I realized then, that we would be going home just the two of us...just the way we had arrived.
I woke up Sunday morning, excited to face a new day with this most precious baby, but filled with absolute terror at the idea of leaving him behind. Nothing about this experience was the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to waddle around until I could no longer see my feet, I was supposed to hold my newborn after delivery, and most of all I was supposed to take him home. I can't explain the sadness I felt, even now. It's hard not to feel jealous of others....I think it's natural to feel a bit robbed, of what is for most people, one of the most magical moments of life.
That day was the longest day of my life...I wanted time to stand still, because I knew eventually, they would come with my discharge papers, and we would be on our way home. Liam's condition was fairly stable, he had had a small bout with jaundice by the third day, and spent time with his cool little shades...tanning...but overall he was doing well. We knew he was in the best place...but my heart ached to leave him. I stalled over and over, constantly finding a reason NOT to go. The nurses told us we could call as often as we wanted to, we were allowed to visit pretty much anytime except for shift change.
We stood next to Liam's isolette, and I knew the tears were just pouring down my face, but I didn't care. What if something happened ?? What if he stopped breathing ?? What if something happened, and we couldn't get back to London in time ?? My god, it was so agonizing !!! We said our goodbyes, and I promised Liam we would be back the next day. I tried to be strong in the car, but we had barely left the hospital parking lot, and I was bawling my eyes out. I cried ALL the way home, and pretty much for the next week straight........

Liam's new home....

Over the course of the next few days, we started becoming more comfortable with this new world we were thrust into. Of course, it doesn't mean we were any less frustrated or terrified..we still really had no idea what we were up against. We kept to ourselves those first few days...the NICU is a place where some need emotional support from other parents, and others would rather just be left alone. We still hadn't figured out where we were at that point.
Liam was hooked up to every machine imaginable, he had tubes everywhere. The machines beeped, and alarms went off, and every time I just wanted to yell HELP !!!  You eventually try to tune out those beeps, the nurses train you very quickly, to look at the baby, NOT the monitor !! I remember visits with Liam, where I spent more time staring at a bunch of numbers that meant absolutely nothing to me ( at the time ), instead of focusing on this amazing little baby !!!
When Liam was born, it took them about 4 minutes to resucitate, and intubate him. Obviously, he was not going to be breathing room air, and he required the help of a ventilator. His APGAR scores were 2,4 and 5, which were very low compared to that of a full term baby, but his primary nurse soon explained that it would have been highly unlikely for a baby of his gestation to do much better. We were not allowed to hold him, but we could place a finger on his arm or leg. Stroking of the skin could cause it to tear. His incubator was kept at a approximately 39 degrees....toasty warm, to mimic the warmth of the womb. Creating an environment for these babies , that is as close to the womb as possible is the most crucial thing to their survival. Those first few days, I remember thinking "wow, how can there be this many sick babies", the NICU was a place that never stopped, families coming and going, medical staff delivering good and bad news to helpless familes, and everyone just clinging to the smallest shred of hope !!! We were told the first few days were the most crucial, and that after that babies tend to have what they call a "honeymoon phase" where things seem good, but that as much as we had to try and be optimistic and positive, we needed to stay realistic. We were told that if Liam's course was faily uneventful we were looking at being home somewhere around his due date...Nov 20th.....it was only the beginning of August !!!!

Grandma meets Liam...

We had so many visitors that week....but you could tell it was a hard thing for everyone. I know everyone was happy for us, but underneath that excitement, it was hard to forget that Liam weighed a mere 690 grams and was born way too early. Obviously, letting anyone see Liam was not an option, but we shared the pictures we had.  Even now I'll admit, it's hard to look at other peoples' pictures, with family and friends snuggling chubby little newborns. When I start to feel sorry for myself though, I just think of how far Liam has come, and how amazing he really is.
Dave and I made the decision together, that we would be the only ones allowed in the NICU...at least for the first few days. We weren't ready for our families to see him, we needed this time to be our own. About 3 days later, both my mom and a friend of Dave's were down for a visit. The guys went off, and I asked Mom if she was ready to meet her grandson. I knew she had been waiting for this moment since he had been born !! I tried to prepare her for what she was about to see, BUT, as preemie parents know, seeing it, is completely different. She was so funny, washing her hands for 10 minutes, she was so worried about everything. Mom was like I was....we knew the NICU existed, we knew what it's purpose was, but we never thought we'd be apart of one. I think everything hit her as hard as it did me....I hadn't even barely lifted the cover off Liam's isolette, and the tears were streaming down her face. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know what to do...it is an utterly helpless feeling to see a tiny baby like that fighting for every breath. Sheesh, I'm tearing up just writing this....grrrrrrr !!!! A few seconds later, and she nudged my arm, and asked if we could go, she didn't want the nurses to see her, she said she was making a fool of herself......(not at all ). I think that day for her, really made it clear for all of us how touch and go this situation was....