Going home.....without Liam

I was admitted to the hospital on a Monday, Liam was born on the Thursday, and I hadn't really put much thought into what would happen when they would tell me I could go home. My body ached to be in my own bed...lets face it, I just really wanted to be able to get in and out of bed without it being an hour ordeal !!! I really thought I was excited to go home until they actually told me I could. I realized then, that we would be going home just the two of us...just the way we had arrived.
I woke up Sunday morning, excited to face a new day with this most precious baby, but filled with absolute terror at the idea of leaving him behind. Nothing about this experience was the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to waddle around until I could no longer see my feet, I was supposed to hold my newborn after delivery, and most of all I was supposed to take him home. I can't explain the sadness I felt, even now. It's hard not to feel jealous of others....I think it's natural to feel a bit robbed, of what is for most people, one of the most magical moments of life.
That day was the longest day of my life...I wanted time to stand still, because I knew eventually, they would come with my discharge papers, and we would be on our way home. Liam's condition was fairly stable, he had had a small bout with jaundice by the third day, and spent time with his cool little shades...tanning...but overall he was doing well. We knew he was in the best place...but my heart ached to leave him. I stalled over and over, constantly finding a reason NOT to go. The nurses told us we could call as often as we wanted to, we were allowed to visit pretty much anytime except for shift change.
We stood next to Liam's isolette, and I knew the tears were just pouring down my face, but I didn't care. What if something happened ?? What if he stopped breathing ?? What if something happened, and we couldn't get back to London in time ?? My god, it was so agonizing !!! We said our goodbyes, and I promised Liam we would be back the next day. I tried to be strong in the car, but we had barely left the hospital parking lot, and I was bawling my eyes out. I cried ALL the way home, and pretty much for the next week straight........