My inspiration to blog....

Living in a small town, news travelled very quickly that Liam had arrived a tad early. I think some people barely even knew I was pregnant !!! We had amazing support from all around us...from family and friends to complete strangers. People reached out to us in different ways, and I am still eternally grateful to each and everyone of them. Coming home was hard, but having such amazing people to support us, made it bearable. A couple of friends I had made over the years reached out to me...both having been in almost similar situations. It was what I needed....whatever the outcome would be, I needed to have people around me who had been through it .
The hardest part for me, was coming home to a room that was barely a nursery. I had not had a baby shower yet, but we had collected a few items here and there over the past few months. We had no crib, no change table....but it didn't really matter...Liam wasn't coming home anytime soon. We lined his room with toys, and clothes and things that people had brought to the hospital. We had cheerful balloons proclaiming a new baby boy, floating around the house....the cats thought they were toys for them.
I spent  the hours that I should have been resting, pouring over articles online about micro preemies. I searched , and read blogs people had written about their journeys. The statistics on micro preemies...were not promising but the blogs gave me hope, they gave me a reason to believe that Liam would survive....and not just survive , but be ok !!!! The blogs are the reason I am sharing Liam's story with you now.....

Going home.....without Liam

I was admitted to the hospital on a Monday, Liam was born on the Thursday, and I hadn't really put much thought into what would happen when they would tell me I could go home. My body ached to be in my own bed...lets face it, I just really wanted to be able to get in and out of bed without it being an hour ordeal !!! I really thought I was excited to go home until they actually told me I could. I realized then, that we would be going home just the two of us...just the way we had arrived.
I woke up Sunday morning, excited to face a new day with this most precious baby, but filled with absolute terror at the idea of leaving him behind. Nothing about this experience was the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to waddle around until I could no longer see my feet, I was supposed to hold my newborn after delivery, and most of all I was supposed to take him home. I can't explain the sadness I felt, even now. It's hard not to feel jealous of others....I think it's natural to feel a bit robbed, of what is for most people, one of the most magical moments of life.
That day was the longest day of my life...I wanted time to stand still, because I knew eventually, they would come with my discharge papers, and we would be on our way home. Liam's condition was fairly stable, he had had a small bout with jaundice by the third day, and spent time with his cool little shades...tanning...but overall he was doing well. We knew he was in the best place...but my heart ached to leave him. I stalled over and over, constantly finding a reason NOT to go. The nurses told us we could call as often as we wanted to, we were allowed to visit pretty much anytime except for shift change.
We stood next to Liam's isolette, and I knew the tears were just pouring down my face, but I didn't care. What if something happened ?? What if he stopped breathing ?? What if something happened, and we couldn't get back to London in time ?? My god, it was so agonizing !!! We said our goodbyes, and I promised Liam we would be back the next day. I tried to be strong in the car, but we had barely left the hospital parking lot, and I was bawling my eyes out. I cried ALL the way home, and pretty much for the next week straight........

Liam's new home....

Over the course of the next few days, we started becoming more comfortable with this new world we were thrust into. Of course, it doesn't mean we were any less frustrated or terrified..we still really had no idea what we were up against. We kept to ourselves those first few days...the NICU is a place where some need emotional support from other parents, and others would rather just be left alone. We still hadn't figured out where we were at that point.
Liam was hooked up to every machine imaginable, he had tubes everywhere. The machines beeped, and alarms went off, and every time I just wanted to yell HELP !!!  You eventually try to tune out those beeps, the nurses train you very quickly, to look at the baby, NOT the monitor !! I remember visits with Liam, where I spent more time staring at a bunch of numbers that meant absolutely nothing to me ( at the time ), instead of focusing on this amazing little baby !!!
When Liam was born, it took them about 4 minutes to resucitate, and intubate him. Obviously, he was not going to be breathing room air, and he required the help of a ventilator. His APGAR scores were 2,4 and 5, which were very low compared to that of a full term baby, but his primary nurse soon explained that it would have been highly unlikely for a baby of his gestation to do much better. We were not allowed to hold him, but we could place a finger on his arm or leg. Stroking of the skin could cause it to tear. His incubator was kept at a approximately 39 degrees....toasty warm, to mimic the warmth of the womb. Creating an environment for these babies , that is as close to the womb as possible is the most crucial thing to their survival. Those first few days, I remember thinking "wow, how can there be this many sick babies", the NICU was a place that never stopped, families coming and going, medical staff delivering good and bad news to helpless familes, and everyone just clinging to the smallest shred of hope !!! We were told the first few days were the most crucial, and that after that babies tend to have what they call a "honeymoon phase" where things seem good, but that as much as we had to try and be optimistic and positive, we needed to stay realistic. We were told that if Liam's course was faily uneventful we were looking at being home somewhere around his due date...Nov 20th.....it was only the beginning of August !!!!

Grandma meets Liam...

We had so many visitors that week....but you could tell it was a hard thing for everyone. I know everyone was happy for us, but underneath that excitement, it was hard to forget that Liam weighed a mere 690 grams and was born way too early. Obviously, letting anyone see Liam was not an option, but we shared the pictures we had.  Even now I'll admit, it's hard to look at other peoples' pictures, with family and friends snuggling chubby little newborns. When I start to feel sorry for myself though, I just think of how far Liam has come, and how amazing he really is.
Dave and I made the decision together, that we would be the only ones allowed in the NICU...at least for the first few days. We weren't ready for our families to see him, we needed this time to be our own. About 3 days later, both my mom and a friend of Dave's were down for a visit. The guys went off, and I asked Mom if she was ready to meet her grandson. I knew she had been waiting for this moment since he had been born !! I tried to prepare her for what she was about to see, BUT, as preemie parents know, seeing it, is completely different. She was so funny, washing her hands for 10 minutes, she was so worried about everything. Mom was like I was....we knew the NICU existed, we knew what it's purpose was, but we never thought we'd be apart of one. I think everything hit her as hard as it did me....I hadn't even barely lifted the cover off Liam's isolette, and the tears were streaming down her face. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know what to do...it is an utterly helpless feeling to see a tiny baby like that fighting for every breath. Sheesh, I'm tearing up just writing this....grrrrrrr !!!! A few seconds later, and she nudged my arm, and asked if we could go, she didn't want the nurses to see her, she said she was making a fool of herself......(not at all ). I think that day for her, really made it clear for all of us how touch and go this situation was....

My new best friend...the Ameda breast pump..ugh !!!

I warned you at the end of the last post, we were on to conquering pumping next...lol !!!

I had not put any thought into how we planned on feeding this baby. We hadn't discussed breastfeeding, nor had we discussed using formula...we still had 3 and a half months to go. Surely we would talk about all that fun stuff at prenatal classes...or not !!!
The morning after Liam was born, a lactation consultant came to see me. I didn't even know there was such a thing !!! This woman came in, and sat next to my bed...pulled up the table, and spread out a bunch of charts and reading material. She started to explain to me that it was very important I start to pump immediately. By the time Liam was born, any dignity I had left was gone out the window, so having some strange woman insist on demonstrating how to pump was really no biggie !!! On top of the fact that I was as big as a cow, now I really felt like one. She explained that it would probably take a couple of days before much would happen...my body had not been quite ready to have a baby, and sometimes a section can cause it to take a little longer. Pumping was honestly the most frustrating and PAINFUL thing!!! I almost gave up a couple of times. I would try to stick to the schedule they gave me, keeping track of amounts, and times, but those first few days were very discouraging. I remember the first time I got that little bit of colostrum...it barely filled a 1 ml syringe, but I was over the moon !!! They would give it to Liam through his feeding tube....1 ml over a matter of hours..seems crazy now to think about it !! I practically ran to the NICU, they must've thought I was mental !!!
I never did have alot of luck pumping...I did the best that I could until Liam came home, and by that point the amount he was eating was just too much for me to keep up anymore. It was frustrating some days, to see other moms come in with bags and bags of milk...it just wasn't in the cards for me I guess...but I'm happy I was able to give him that "liquid gold" for the first 3 months of his life.

Does anyone really want a c-section !?!?

Before I even got pregnant, I used to think the idea I having a c-section sounded much nicer than the alternative...no pushing, no tearing, you get the idea !!! I used to read how c-sections were on the rise across North America, and I used to think d-uh ...of course..have you ever watched "A Baby Story" on TLC !?!?!Now, I just want to slap anyone who tells me they would purposely choose to have a section !!!
I had resigned myself to the fact that there would be pain, and LOTS of drugs....that was until I was faced with delivering a 24 week baby...who was breech !!!
There was no way that anyone was going to let this baby be born vaginally....it was just not an option. The baby needed to be born quickly, and a vaginal delivery could cause problems....so c-section it was, and I NEVER in a million years expected the pain that followed.....for WEEKS !!!!
As many of you who are reading this know, it's tough those first few nights. The nurses tell you to get your rest, yet they're in your room every couple of hours, to check your vitals. After a section they want you up, and walking as much as you can tolerate that first night. I must have looked at my nurse like she had 3 heads....really ?!?! you want me to walk across the room ?!?! my legs felt like they were tree trunks. It seemed like an eternity by the time I swung my legs over the side of the bed. I thought to myself..by the time I get across this room, it's going to be time to do it all over again !!! The patience some of those nurses had....my god..they were amazing !!! I finally made it across the room, clutching my iv pole. I have never experienced such pain as that. It felt as if every stitch would pop right out if i made one wrong move, turned the wrong way in bed, laughed a little.....
I conquered that first challenge..next...peeing, and pumping...GOOD TIMES !!!

A moment in time....

This post makes me the most emotional so far I think. When I think back to that precise moment, it's a feeling I will never forget for the rest of my life.
We were introduced to Liam's nurse, who eventually turned out to be one of his main night nurses. I can't imagine that it's ever easy for an NICU nurse to watch new parents and the flood of emotions that follow, when they meet their baby for the first time. Nancy, was so kind and wonderful to us on that day. One of Liam's angels.
We were brought to his bedside, and told not to panic by the amount of equipment surrounding him. As any parent of a baby who has been in the NICU can attest to...the sound of the NICU is something one never forgets. The constant sound of alarms and monitors is still very engrained in my memory.
It wasn't like a 1,2,3 are you ready thing (thank god)...they let us lift up the cover on our own....and there he was *tear*...he was like the tiniest baby bird. He weighed 690 grams, he was 12 inches long, red as could be, skin so translucent it looked as if it would tear. He had tubes and wires everywhere, his eyes were still fused shut.  He wore the tiniest diaper either one of us had ever seen....but there he was....tiny BUT absolutely perfect in every way !!!! This was our son, and we were his parents !!!! WOW !!!
There were so many emotions at that moment...thankful that he had survived such a traumatic birth, joy to be able to say this was our son, fear of the unknown, anger that this had happened to all of us...it's just so hard to explain.
Nevertheless, here he was , and life as we knew it took on a whole new meaning......

Getting ready to meet our little man !!

The main unit of the NICU was one long room, and lined on both sides were about 8 to 10 isolettes. Isolettes holding babies as tiny and sick as Liam, protected from the light of the room , by what looked like specially designed quilts. There were 2 types of isolettes, and Liam spent the first month or so, in what they call a Giraffe Omnibed. These beds are specifically designed to allow for as much care as needed for a baby, without all the handling from the outside world. The babies can be weighed right from their beds.
What I remember most vividly, before even getting a glimpse of Liam was this sensation of pure heat !! I don't remember if the NICU itself was warm, or if it was just the emotional and physical exhaustion hitting me, but boy was I glad to be in that wheelchair !!! I could feel the emotion just from entering the main room. All the babies, and their families...the exhausted parents, the fear and uncertainty we were all facing. Were we really going to be able to handle this ? And was everything going to be alright ? Only time would tell.....

Our new world....the NICU

I was relieved when the nurse finally came back to tell me they were bringing me to my room. Up until now, I hadn't put much thought into why they had asked me what kind of health coverage I had. For any of you who know me, you'll also know I had just lost my job as a manager with Movie Gallery for the last 8 years, so needless to say, the coverage was pretty basic.  The hospital was great though with our situation, and we found ourselves in a private room. It was nice to be on our own, to share time with our family and friends, and not have to be in a room with another set of new parents, with a perfectly healthy newborn. ( I hope that doesn't sound terribly insensitive, but I know other preemie moms will understand )
A few hours , and a couple rounds of pain meds later, the nurse came and asked if we were ready to see our son. Ready ?!?!?! Are you kidding ?!?!?! We had been waiting for this moment for hours !!!! Dave helped me into the wheelchair, and we made our way down to the NICU. I don't know what was going through either one of our minds at that moment really...I have to admit, I think there was just as much fear as there was excitement.
I think our hearts were both racing, as they showed us where to wash our hands before entering the NICU. I was a picture of pure 'hotness" in my hospital gown and humongous cankles...but at that moment none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was that we were going to meet our son.....Liam.
The NICU at St.Joe's has since moved to Children's Hospital but at the time it was a level 3 NICU, meaning the sickest , and smallest babies were born or transported there. Liam was in the main unit of the NICU where the babies needing the highest level of care were.
Nothing, and I mean nothing could have prepared us for what we were about to see........

August 5th, 2010....a very special day.

When Liam was born, Dave and I became parents almost 16 weeks ahead of schedule !!! 16 WEEKS !!!! That's more than 3 months....but yet there he was, and according to the doctors, he had 10 little fingers, and 10 little toes, and everything else that goes along with a little boy.
Liam was whisked away very quickly, they needed to do everything possible to resuscitate this little boy, and get him intubated, and stable. We didn't get to see him , and we have none of those blissful first family photographs that most people have. Instead, we were left to wonder what was happening to our precious little boy while "Doogie Howser" stitched me up. I remember thinking...." Good god, how old are these doctors...and should they be talking about their weekend plans while they perform surgery "....lol...silly now, when I think about it !!!
Once I was all stitched up, it was off to recovery. We still had very little information on Liam, and being in recovery was very difficult for me. Dave had gone to see our family and friends that were waiting, to let them know what was going on. I was wheeled into a corner, where I laid for what seemed like an eternity !!! I was offered some ice water, and helped into some fantastic "stretchy" underwear, that I could pull up to my armpits....lol !!!! As I lay there, I couldn't help but notice a new family across from me...bonding with their most adorable newborn....all I could do was cry, and wonder what was going on with our little man. I was so very grateful to have Dave and our family come back to the room....I needed a distraction from everything that was so perfect for another new family, and I needed to know how Liam was.

We are home !!!!!

2 more days in the hospital, and we could have reached the 100 day ( in total ) mark !!! Liam better not be saving 2 more days for another trip to the hospital anytime soon !!!!
Here's a quick rundown of our hospital visit....lol !!! Liam had picked up a bit of a bug somewhere along the way in the last few weeks, but after a course of antibiotics, we were pretty confident we had nipped those little cooties !!! On the 16th, Liam started getting a bit of a cough again, but I didn't think much of it until the next day. He started getting kind of raspy and a bit wheezy. Being the paranoid freak I am, I texted my most amazing friend  ( lol )to ask her what she thought. I texted her, because I knew she wouldn't make me feel like a paranoid freak, and she would tell me to do exactly what my gut was already telling me to do...take him to the ER. So, I bundled him all up, and we headed off to the hospital. I'm sure at this point Liam was thinking..."sweet, she's not putting me to bed !!"  We were seen by the Triage nurse who assessed his visit as a 3.....1 being the highest priority, 5 being the lowest.  The waiting room was FULL of people , but they took him right in to assess his breathing. I thought by some miracle we had been lucky enough to skip to the front of the line, but I should have known better !!! They gave Liam a round of ventolin, and sent us back out into the waiting room.  UGH !!! The hours passed, and soon I found out that the wait that night was around 5 or 6 hours !!!! Liam started to fall asleep, so I explained to the Triage nurse that we were just going to go home. I knew she felt bad, but there was nothing she could do at that point. At around 3 in the morning things started to take a turn for the worse...Liam had spiked a fever, his breathing was very laboured...so I decided to call this time to find out if they could see us right away . Sure enough, there was no wait, and they told us to head back. We were shown to a bed right away, and they ran some tests, gave him another round of ventolin, prescribed a puffer, and a few hours later we were sent home. I was satisfied with the care we received, and thought that this was the end to a very long couple of nights. Oh, how wrong I was..lol !!!!
By Wednesday morning, guess where we were ?!?! Yup, the ER !!!
I have to say, we encountered some pretty interesting characters over the few days in and out of the ER. There was a crazy drunk guy, who knew every nurse by name, and was later arrested and taken away . There was another crazy guy ..this one high..who absolutely lost his mind when the paramedics asked him if he had HIV or Hepatitis, and then eventually bolted when he found out "some guy" answered the phone in his room at the pay by week motel !!! I get angry when I realize these are the people that are priority 1, because they were brought in by ambulance...when there is a waiting room full of people with real medical needs waiting to be seen !!!!
Anyways...lol...Wednesday morning had us back in the ER, and Liam was really struggling to breathe, the coughing was worse, his temp was high, and I just had a funny feeling that we were dealing with RSV !!! (Respiratory Syncytial Virus , for those who aren't familiar with it ) It can be something common like a cold in adults, but for very young children , especially preemies, it can make them very sick.  He was no longer wetting diapers, and obviously that was a concern, as it was a sign that he was becoming dehydrated. He just wanted to snuggle, and sleep. Liam is a busy baby, and he has never been an overly snuggly baby, so I knew this was serious. We waited for the on call paediatrician, and within a few minutes, we were told we were going to be admitted. I was happy, I did not want to be sent home, this is where he needed to be.
After 4 unsuccessful tries at an IV, they were finally able to get one. It took A LOT of sucrose to get him to calm down. Due to RSV being highly contagious we were given our own room...nothing like a big sign on the door warning people the cooties are flying !!!!
We were taken care of so well during our stay. The nurses and doctors were amazing, and so wonderful to our family !!! We stayed at night with Liam..taking turns where possible, but it was still so exhausting. They were not happy with his oxygen levels, so unfortunately put him back on low flow. I'm pretty sure he was less than thrilled to have those nasal prongs stuck up his nose once again, but that little bit of o2 did the trick !!!
Anyways, this post has been  WAY longer than I wanted it to be.....so we are home now...with our very own ventolin machine..woohoo !!! Liam is feeling so much better, and we are keeping our fingers crossed that he will be approved for the RSV shots this year. The original answer was no, but I think this little trip to the hospital will change that to a yes !!!

Just a quick update.....

I've really been enjoying share our journey....and even if it only touches a few people, I feel as though I may be helping a new mom or dad out there !! I haven't been posting lately, our little man is in the hospital with RSV. As soon as he is home and feeling better, I will continue our story !! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend !!! xoxo

It's a boy....1 lb 8oz !!!

Our lives changed dramatically in the next 2 hours. The decision was made to head down to delivery, and there was no question that this had to be a caesarean section. A breech, preterm infant did not stand a very good chance being delivered vaginally.
Dave, had been at home, when he got the phone call to head back to London, that this little person was coming sooner rather than later. I can't even imagine what the drive in was like for him....I just wanted him with me. Due to my MS, the anesthesiologist came to me, explaining that there were possible risks for a flare up with the injection of the spinal. All I knew at that precise moment in time was that, there was no other option than a c-section, and I surely wasn't having it without a spinal !!!
I think somewhere in my mind, I hadn't fully accepted what  was happening...I kept thinking this will  all stop, the bleeding will stop, the pain will stop, and it will all be just a really bad dream.  It wasn't a dream, and it didn't stop.
I had my legs swung over the side of the table, blood literally gushing on the doctor's feet, when I heard them say that Dave had just arrived, and they were getting him ready to come in the operating room.
I couldn't stop apologizing to this poor woman I was bleeding all over, and I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out !!!! I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life !!! I was so relieved to see Dave, he manages to always maintain this sense of calm, even in the most dire of situations, and I needed that at that moment.
The spinal was administered, the sheet went up, and from that point on I couldn't even move a toe...thank god !!!!
At this stage, we had never had the tour of the NICU, and we had never had a chance to speak to anyone about what a 24 weeker would face. We didn't know if this baby would stand a chance at a normal life, much less survive. We didn't know what this baby would look like, would it be a boy or a girl, would they be able to do everything in their power to save it....not resuscitating was not even an option !!!
There was tugging, and stretching...and the tears kept flowing !!! Dave stroked my hair, wiped my tears, and kept telling me everything would be okay....he was honestly my rock at that moment in time.
We knew we weren't going to be able to see the baby, that he or she would be whisked away to the NICU. At 12:38 on August 5th 2010, we became parents to a little boy, who weighed 1 lb 8 oz, was 12 inches long, and who peed the moment they pulled his teeny tiny little body out of me !!!

Week 24, day 5

Up until now, I've tried to keep the posts fairly light, and hopefully a bit humorous to anyone out there who may be reading. This is where the story takes on a more serious tone.. As I mentioned in a previous post, there are elements to what happened that I know I've shut out, but I will do my best.....
I shuffled off to the bathroom for a second visit, and what happened next was probably the scariest moment of my life !!! I lifted up my gown, and what I saw was blood literally gushing down both my legs. I remember standing there, frozen in absolute terror !!! What the hell was happening ?? I knew this was beyond serious.....I had 2 options, to run out of there and ask my roomates to get me help, or to pull the little string that was next to the toilet. I pulled the string, and the next thing I knew there were a swarm of people rushing back to our room. Everyone was asking a million questions, all the while trying to help me get back to my bed as carefully as they could. Dr. C who was still doing rounds, and fortunately close by, came running back to see what was happening. They whipped the curtain around my bed, and said that at this point an internal exam was going to be necessary...they didn't have a choice. The verdict.....5cm dilated, and baby right there !!!! This baby was coming, and there was nothing we could do about it.....week 24 day 5.

Don't strain !!!

Thursday morning started out like any other....breakfast in bed (lol), and the usual "count the kicks" chart the nurses would give us every day. I was beginning to get so sick of laying around in bed... there were only so many magazines and books to read....tv and phone cost a small fortune, bottom line it was just boring !!!
That morning, I finally convinced my nurse to let me use the washroom....she told me not to strain (REALLY?!) and shoved a People magazine in my hand, and told me to take my time...lol. I obliged, any time spent out of my bed , toilet or not, was going to be something new for the day !!!
I had been feeling a bit crampy that morning, but took little notice of it, simply due to the fact that I hadn't been able to use the bathroom for days.
Dr. C came around to do her rounds, and asked how we were all feeling. I explained the cramps I was feeling, but neither one of us was concerned. She asked me a few more questions, was obviously satisfied with the answers I was giving her, and was off to continue her rounds. A few minutes later, I decided to try and visit the bathroom again....iv pole in hand, clutching the back of my gown, I truly must have been a sight !!!
What happened next would forever change everything as we knew it !!!!!!

New roomates !!!!

The next morning, when they saw that I was feeling better, they administered the second round of steroids, and decided I was stable enough to be moved to Antenatal. We packed up our bags, and they wheeled us down to our new room. When we got there, there were already two girls tucked away in their beds....it was crazy to think that all these women in this area were having different problems with their pregnancies !!! The idea that women had perfect pregnancies, and went home with perfect, robust babies was starting to fall to pieces in my mind.
My roomates J & L turned out to be the most beautiful women...a second pregnancy for J, and a first for L. We shared our stories, and were prepared that this could be a long haul for all of us. We agonized over our meal choices ( yes, this quickly became the highlight of our day...lol ) , met each others families, and prayed for our babies to be ok !!!
There were a steady stream of family members and friends coming to visit us each day, bringing us fun things to help pass the days.....the Drs came to us asking if we would like a tour of the NICU, and of course we said yes !!! Unfortunately, that never happened...every time they tried to coordinate something for us, it ended up being too busy in the NICU, something that frustrated me at the time, but that I can totally appreciate now. I don't think it would have lessened the fear and anxiety we felt walking through those doors everyday anyways .
Another fairly good sleep, and we both realized, we had made it through 1 more day !!! I was scheduled for an ultrasound that day, and it was then that they discovered that baby "P" was breech......super !!!! I was told that it was not uncommon for baby to be flipped that way at this stage, however most people aren't 3cm dilated at 24 weeks with a baby in breech position....ughhhh !!!
I was still banned from using the bathroom....but eating again at this point, so I was terrified to eat too much....I had conquered peeing in the bedpan, but that was as far as I was taking it !!!! I had roomates and a curtain separating us.....poor girls !!! I will always remember my nurse that last night before Liam was born. I had called for her, thinking for sure that I had missed the bed pan, my sheets and gown felt wet. She kept trying to tell me I was sweaty...lol....we went back and forth for a few minutes with this conversation, and here I am admitting that I did indeed pee in my bed !!!!

Bedrest & bedpans....

Thanks to some fairly pleasant medications, I was able to get a good nights sleep, despite not being able to move around too much. By this point both of our families had arrived at the hospital, both completely at a loss for words, but they tried to say and do all of the right things, as much as you can in a situation like this.
At this point there wasn't really too much happening, the baby's heartbeat was still strong, and for now I was still 3 cm dilated...it hadn't gotten worse. I was still in the same room, and they had been allowing me to use the bathroom by myself, but when they saw that the bleeding had not subsided, they decided that I had just used up my last bathroom pass !!! It was to be strict bedrest from that point forward, and they handed me a plastic bedpan .....say what !? Let me just say, that at that particular moment I vowed never to "have to go" ever again !!!! I remember looking at the nurse, and saying REALLY !?....you want me to use THAT !? The answer was simply YES. By this point in time, I had lost my bathroom privileges, I hadn't eaten since breakfast the day before, as they were worried that I would get sick....and now I was confined to this bed !! Good Grief !!! Bring on the laptop, and some movies....it's going to be a LONG day !!!

What is happening ??

When I think back to the ambulance ride, I was actually pretty calm...panic hadn't set in yet, but I had a fabulous nurse as a distraction, and I spent most of my time ( in between contractions ) looking out the back window watching to make sure Dave was still behind us.  By the time we got to the hospital though, panic had officially set in !!! There were a lot of tears, a lot of pain, and a lot of unanswered questions . I've sat and talked to a very dear friend about this ( she has 3 miracle babies of her own ) , and I know that I've blocked a lot of my memories of those first few days. Maybe it's the trauma, I'm not sure....but sometimes when I try to remember certain things I just can't.
What happened over the next 24 hours was just a blur. We were wheeled into a room, with what seemed like a million people there just waiting to examine me. And examined I was...over and over again, until someone decided that maybe all the examining wasn't helping this situation !!! They said that I was 3 cm dilated, and they were very honest and frank about the fact that this was probably not going to go in our favour. They hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor, where baby P's heart rate was very strong - some good news, FINALLY !!!! They hooked me up to this machine, and that machine, they gave me my first round of steroids to help the babys' lungs should he/she be born in the next 24 hours. They came to me wanting to administer a suppository that would help in slowing down the labour......but I made it VERY clear that I would be administering this suppository myself !! Enough with the violations for the day, thank you !!!
Well, eventually everything began to calm down, the contractions were lessening, and all in all they were fairly happy with the fact that the baby was still where it needed to be. By this point we knew how important even one extra day meant to the survival of this baby. We were right at day 1 of the 24th week....we could only pray that we could make it to day 2 !!!

Graham's Foundation - Supporting Parents of Micro Preemies

I'm posting this video a little sooner than I had planned in the blog, but it seems fairly relevant at this part in our story. We were introduced to Graham's Foundation through very dear friends, who made a day in the NICU a little brighter...more about that later !!

Contractions, dilating.....pardon me ??!!

I have to say that even now when I look back on everything, and everything that was about to happen, I NEVER in a million years thought we were about to be faced with delivering a VERY preterm baby.
We ended back at our local hospital, and decided to wait it out this time. I mean, I figured it was something that definitely needed to be addressed, BUT that they would send me on my way after and tell me to put my feet up. An hour later, I was finally shown to an exam room while we waited for a doctor and nurse to come and exam me. The pain over the last hour in the waiting room, and up until now, was definitely intensifying, but again, having that I had never had a baby before, I didn't know what it was. They asked me to explain where it hurt, how long the pain was lasting......I could tell by their tone and cryptic conversations that this was serious. I was asked to undress, and there I had what was one of the first of many internal exams to come....I can laugh now, because all of my girlfriends that had had babies before me, had already warned me that whatever dignity you had going in to have a baby, was suddenly non existent. I have to say in my case this was never more true !!! The doctor and nurse left the room shortly thereafter, leaving Dave & I to stare at each other in disbelief...what the hell was happening ?? He tried so hard to comfort me, but I know he must have been dying on the inside too.
What seemed like an eternity later, the doctor and nurse came back to see us....what was happening was no longer a mystery, this baby was coming !!! The pain was the start of contractions, and upon examination, I was already 3cm dilated !!! Isn't that process supposed to take HOURS and at 40 weeks !?!? They had been on the phone with the hospital in London which was home to an excellent perinatal unit and more importantly a Level 3 NICU, which we were going to need if Baby P persisted !!! Long story short, they were finally able to find a spot for me there ( otherwise, we were perhaps looking at Detroit ) and faster than we could make any phone calls, or pack any bags, I was on my way, in an ambulance.....with my poor husband trying to keep up in the car behind us....was this really happening ?!?!

23 weeks down...17 to go !!!!

Well, as you can see by the title, we were just heading into week 24. The countdown was on, ideas for a nursery theme were in full swing, names were being jotted down on little scrap pieces of paper, and the reality of the pregnancy was upon us, as the baby bump was beginning to grow at an obvious pace. There was definitely no turning back now...lol, but we were both so excited, and this was something so special for us to share.
We had decided to have a bit of an impromptu BBQ with some friends on the Sunday of the August long weekend, so I spent the day running back and forth between the grocery store and dollar store, getting everything that we would need. It was shortly before everyone was set to arrive, that I started feeling a bit tired, and a bit crampy, but honestly, I just figured I had taken on too much for the day and it was time to put my feet up. The feeling didn't stick around , and we had a great time !!!
The next morning, I woke up feeling a bit crappy again, only this time, it was more of that dull achy *period* pain ...and I thought it was nothing a nice warm bath wouldn't cure. I started running the bath, and ( here we go with the too much info part, so my apologies in advance )...had a quick pee, and when I went to wipe there was a bit too much blood for my liking, so a few tearful sobs later we were on our way to the hospital ...( small town hospital that does not deliver babies ), to see what was causing this. When we got there, there were a million people ahead of us, and I convinced Dave it was nothing, and that I just wanted to go home and rest...so we did. A few episodes of Seinfeld and a nap later, I was up again....and what happened next was something we were not prepared for !!!

Baby P's due date Nov 20th.....

I was so excited to be pregnant, and really I was very fortunate. I was never sick, I gained very little weight, and all in all I considered myself to be very lucky . We were coming into summer though, and I knew the warm months ahead might start to make things a tad uncomfortable. We had met with our family doctor, and she had wanted us to consider having the testing for Down Syndrome ( because of my age ) . It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time, but honestly if I could go back and redo it, I would have never had it done...for 2 reasons, it would not have changed our feelings about this baby, and simply because, I put myself through unnecessary worry....the constant "what if "...was just not worth it. As it turned out, everything with the test came back negative, and the pregnancy moved on. What I do want to say to anyone who maybe reading this...please NEVER doubt yourself in your pregnancy...if something feels wrong, please don't wait to seek help..NO question is a dumb one, and NEVER let anyone make you feel like you are overreacting !!! I did to some degree and sometimes I wonder if it started the chain of events that were about to unfold....
I sometimes wonder just how much I should share on this blog, but if I want to reach out to people who are  going through similar things...I want to be as honest and open as I can ...so I apologize in advance if I am a bit too detailed...lol

And baby makes 3....in 9 months right ?

Mid March of 2010, we headed off for a weekend away with some friends, and we had a fantastic time !! By the time we got home, something was feeling just a bit different, my period hadn't come, and I knew the next logical step to that was to take a pregnancy test. A trip to the drug store, a pee later, and what I had staring back at me were 2 perfectly straight little lines....they may as well have been shouting "you're pregnant" right at me !!! I think I sat there for about 20 minutes staring at this little piece of plastic I had just peed on....I mean obviously I was excited, but in that excitement I will admit to a bit ( ok a lot ) of fear as well !!!!  I remember calling Dave at work, and a couple of girlfriends right away ..this was going to be THE HARDEST thing to keep from people...I wanted to tell the world, I didn't want to wait the 3 months they suggest..that seemed like an eternity !!! Of course both of our parents were very excited..mine maybe even more, considering I am an only child and at 35, my parents were beginning to give up on the idea that they would ever be grandparents...lol. As I sit here now, thinking back on everything, it's the silliest,and most vain thing ever ( considering what we were soon to go through )....I remember thinking..."PERFECT....this little person will be born sometime before Christmas, giving me all the time in the world to fit back into my summer clothes again" !!!! That makes me feel soooooo guilty now !!! Guilt is something that doesn't go away, even though I know there was NOTHING we could have done differently, but as a mom, when you're unable to carry your baby to term, guilt is just a feeling that is automatic......

Life....after marriage, before parenthood....

For all of you reading this, it's important to know that we want this to be about our family's story, Liam's story more importantly. However, before we became 3 , Dave & I were dealt a fairly big blow as newlyweds, something I think is important to share. About 2 months after our wedding, I woke up one day with tingly toes. Tingly toes turned into numb feet, which eventually started affecting other parts of my body. Life continued on as normal for a few weeks, but I couldn't shake the notion that something just wasn't right. Whenever I had a chance I would GOOGLE every symptom, and pour over article after article of what these symptoms could actually be....let's just say I wasn't liking what I was discovering. There was a VERY REAL possibility that what these symptoms were, were signs of Multiple Sclerosis !!! Well, as anyone out there who has faced an illness or a disease, we've all said to ourselves "that can't possibly happen to ME...that happens to OTHER people". Unfortunately, it was happening to me, and I didn't even know it yet !!! I tried to busy myself with work, but the numbness, the fatigue, were a constant reminder that something was going on, and it was time to see my doctor. Growing up, I was always a pretty healthy kid, and my doctor knew that, and she was very unwilling to accept the fact that there was a possibilty that I could be facing something so serious. She said I was fine, and sent me off with a few sample packages of different medications to try to curb the numbness. Needless to say none of those worked, and before long I was back in her office begging for her to do something more. Fast forward a few months ( what felt like years to me ), and I was finally offered a date for an MRI. For anyone that is familiar with MS, it can be a very lengthy disease to diagnose....patience is not my greatest virtue...lol !!! Waiting for the results of the MRI was like torture...no one wants to be told they have an incurable disease, but the thought of not knowing what is wrong with you isn't comforting either. In early 2010, I was UNOFFICIALLY diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis , and it was by far the worst day of my life. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, but as I said earlier, the thought of not knowing was just as terrifying. So, now what....to have a baby or not ? We were told that becoming pregnant was still very much an option, in fact it could actually help alleviate some of the symptoms, and since I was not on any medications at this point we were told the next little while would be a good time to try. Marriage, Multiple Sclerosis and babies....WOW !

Where our story begins....

I could start our story by telling you that we had a perfect life, a perfect marriage, a perfect pregnancy, but let's get real, life as great as it can be is full of challenges, and we were no exception to that. Dave and I met in 2004, and just like everyone else, we looked forward to a future that hopefully included settling down, marriage and eventually having children. We both knew we wanted children ( other than the 4 legged kind..lol )We didn't talk about it a lot...I guess we just knew it would happen some day. We were married Sept 26th, 2009. It was everything the day should be, we just had no idea how the next 2 years were about to take shape.......

A newbie to the world of blogging....

I've toyed with the idea of blogging for some time now. Sharing our story didn't seem right until now, until we were ready to put the words down for someone else to read. In doing this, I look forward to sharing many stories with old friends and new, and hopefully our story can help someone else who may just be starting down that very long and sometimes frightening world of the NICU. Let me just say, that a year has passed since our journey began, so our details may not be down to each hour and minute, but we hope you'll enjoy Liam's story.